her vagine was all disorganized.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
