Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize