textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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