my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
