i was born a porn star she said
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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