is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
