I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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