Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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