If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
