I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
