that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I need to align my fucking chakras
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
