In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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