I am spending my child support on dildos
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
