I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
