just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
