Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
