Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
