Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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