Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i think my mom watched the whole time
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Randomize
