my phone needs a breathalizer
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There r osticjed everywhere
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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