he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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