you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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