Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
