please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
