I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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