Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Randomize
