I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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