Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
