Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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