well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
