my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
