But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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