She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
