If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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