You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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