the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
