i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
