I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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