i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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