Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
