put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
