We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
