had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
