Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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