I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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