please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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