Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She swung at the pinata with crutches
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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