if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
