remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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