I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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