Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
