i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
