I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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