Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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