I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
