You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
