i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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