I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
